guest blogger...luis

On the Nature of Men


You are an asshole. Well, wait, let me rephrase that as it might not pertain to everybody reading this. If you have a penis between your legs at this moment, then you are an asshole. Now don't get butt hurt, or angry. There is nothing you can do about it. Its just the way things are, and no it doesn't matter that you lead your church group. Or if you're a fun guy to hang around. And yes, I'll admit that its very admirable that you help rescue kittens that are stuck in trees, but deep down, when you're alone in the dark and no one is watching we both know that you know what you are.

Hey, I told you, don't get upset! Its really not that big a deal. I'm an asshole. You're best friend in high school? Yep. Asshole too. Its just the way we were made. I'm not saying that you should embrace it and live up to your full asshole potential, I'm just saying that its there. Of course there are advantages to being an asshole. For one, you can let things go with the greatest of ease. Its like water off a damn duck's back with you, and how awesome is that? No having to worry about demons, or wrestle is hard emotional turmoil. Nope. Have a beer, beat off a little, take a nap and you're right as rain! Second, you can take what you want! Again, AWESOME! Because really, who wants to sit around and pine for the things that they can't, or shouldn't have? Fuck that noise. No, true to your asshole style you can scheme and think your way into or out of just about anything with little or no personal consequence. That sounds nice doesn't it? No? What, that sounds like an...asshole?

OK, OK. So you don't want to be an asshole. I can understand that, after all I suppose its not the nicest thing to bear the scorn of the fairer half. So what are you going to do about it? And don't give me this bullshit of "you're going to be a better man," that's not going to fly here buster. Or do you forget I'm an asshole too? No. Sorry. I know the party line, hell, I've helped write some of the diatribe. So let's get down to brass tacks. What are you going to do? Hmmm? Nothing? Fine, since you are clearly at a loss I'm going to go ahead and tell you what I think you should do.

A) Forget about telling yourself that you're not going to be an asshole. You can't, you're born that way and saying you're not going to do it is like saying you're going to breath out less carbon dioxide. Not going to happen. But what you can do is admit what you are and apologize for it. Profusely.

B) Take off those stupid green glasses. Yeah you heard me, the grass is not greener on the other side asshole. So quit thinking it is. I'm not saying you shouldn't try to make your life better, I'm saying try to be more thankful for what you already have.

C) Have some respect for yourself. What? You think you should crawl the Earth because you're an asshole? Surely not. After all, people will treat you how you treat yourself. If you treat yourself a royal asshole, then guess what? People will put a nice crown on your head and give you shit all day.

All right asshole, that's all I got, so let me recap here. You are an asshole. That doesn't make you a bad person but you have to recognize and deal with the issue. And lastly because you are an asshole doesn't mean you should hate on yourself. You're who you are. Accept it, love it. And you never know, you might just be lucky enough to find someone who loves you back. In which case then you're a lucky asshole.